Twirling machinery and no end in sight. (Transformers 3)

“Its special effects — and 3D shots — are undeniably impressive, but they aren’t enough to fill up its loud, bloated running time, or mask its thin, indifferent script.” -Rotten Tomatoes, 36%

What bugs me about this series of movies,really with the slight exception of the first, is that they went the same direction as Star Wars, where the thrills come less and less from a solid story and deep connection to a character, but from CGI and big explosions and hot chicks. The opening scene of the movie was a shot of this Victoria’s Secret model’s ass.

Follow this link to the best critique of the new Star Wars you’ll ever hear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI

Now apply the framework this guy (with the voice borrowed from Silence of the Lambs) creates to Transformers 3. When you watch the film, you can hear the voice in your head over and over “Wait where did tha’  come from…wait, who’s she?…why did the giant planet go back to where it was when the pillar things were destroyed…what the fuck?”

It was almost comical how much like a piece of meat both girls in this series can be: megan fox and now this victoria’s secret chick. They don’t say anything useful, they’re allowed into classified areas and information simply because they’re associated with Shia Labeouf’s dumb-ass character. And then there are like fifty stupid shots of them standing in the wind looking like idiots with explosions going off behind them. They’re not even phased, or have many cuts or dirt on them. It’s like the director just tries to flaunt the curviness of their bodies like they’re porn stars or something.

Girls aside, the storyline sucked. I mean at every turn, things were so obviously fabricated to work in Shia Laboeuf’s shit-head character into high-level military affairs that had absolutely nothing to do with him. There was no tragedy, no loss of someone really important, human or robot that would give the watcher the most basic form of emotion. Just token autobots that you could tell were obviously meant to die. Like the horrible depiction of Ben Franklin as an autobot.

That was the other thing, why the fuck did all these robots have caricatures, accents or races of some sort?- it was pretty culturally insensitive to portray the squat, fat robot like a leprechaun-esque Irishman and so forth.

In all,  transformers- like Star Wars- illustrates the degradation of the movies into thrill-seeking, plot-less and bland pieces of kitsch (Tron Legacy). Plots, I guess, just don’t seem to matter any more to Hollywood.

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