The vapidity of tablet computers

I’m in this phase at my job at the bookstore where I’m exercising all of the obscure rights employees have from the employee handbook. I annoy the HR bitch, because I actually make her do her job and accommodate the proletariat staff. For instance, if you refer someone to a job at the bookstore and they get hired you get a $25 gift card to buy shit from the store. So before being hired, my friend put me down as his referrer on his application. I waited two weeks and I had no gift card. So I went to the apathetic slug the bookstore has as the head of human resources and pestered her into giving it up. That bureaucratic fuck.

The company rules say give up the gift card.

Anyway, so there’s this other stipulation in the manual that says that employees can temporarily borrow anything from the store: including books, textbooks, and computer equipment. So, I righteously paraded into the associate director’s office and checked out the Ipad 2.

I’d seen this magical slab in action before. My artistic friends were demonstrating just how much it made their lives easier and how justified it is to drop a quarter of the year’s earnings on it. “You can like show clients all your design work and there’s these way cool drawing apps and like a camera and iMovie and Garageband and iMasturbate…” So, naturally, I was enthralled by the capacities of this thing. As I was filling out the loan forms I was thinking the whole time that I’d get sucked into it and it would lead me to get one. This ended up totally not being the case.

For the week the device was in my possession I touched it in maybe 3 times and all of those times were motivated by the guilt that I had gone through the arduous bureaucratic procedures to acquire this thing and I wasn’t using it. No doubt the thing was well constructed, light, and pretty, but the machine retained the feel of being totally contrived value. When you buy one you pretty much acknowledge that (in most cases I should say) there is almost no practicality to it. Everything can be done with a computer that you can do on the ipad. Computers are of comparable price but kick the shit out of the ipad for their utility and things like having a cd drive and USB ports. For the standard college student and the standard working adult, ipads are superfluous pieces of shit.

The average person’s (me, my friends, 95% of all ipad users) motivations for getting these over-priced amalgams of aluminum and glass seems to center on other people seeing that they have them. It’s a fashion statement like most other things and it goes along with everything else in the Apple line-up: overpriced for appearances. It’s like, “Check me out, I’m so alternative to the oppressive corporate giant, Microsoft, and I’m sticking to the man! Hopefully people realize I’m like Che Guevara and I’m this creative liberal who fights the system!”

Apple is like the Dolce and Gabbana of the computer world. It’s the same, or less, utility but way more rad looking. Byahh!


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